Today I wanted to Yahweh healed me from ghosts of past, ghosts were haunted me and now I wanted finally to end that.
I want to share this with you my Sisters and Brothers in Yahweh.
If you want to talk or ask question, feel free do that.
I prayed Lord's prayer in german, then I looked my little brother's crucifix.
I placed my father's Bible on front of me. I know this can become tough and I know I get my heart and body to the sore condition.
I remembered my past.
When I was 13-years old, I almost saw my father's suicide with his own gun in Christmas Eve... He didn't do suicide because of his children. That was terrible Christmas Eve ever...
I remembered that night when I was raped by young man. I was then 13-years old.
When my father heard about that, he went in his work and beaten up his colleague by name of discipline and by revenge. He get fired from his work (he was guard in jail.). When he came home he taught me and my brother fighting without weapon, shot with guns, fight with swords and taught self defense. When I was 14-years old social workers took me away from my divorced parents.
They put me in shut crisis ward. In there I were zwei moths.
I tell you about that place now clearly.
Many can't believe that what they hear about in somekind of that place, they shut their eyes from that example my mother don't believe single word that I tried to tell her crying. She don't believe. One lovely couple other was doctor, he was shocked for his colleagues work habits.
Other example is, here in Finland was shut ward boyschools, were those young little boys were raped everyday. Still they growed up like men and they get their life and joy back. I am happy for those boys!
I start telling:
When I arrived there in ambulance, I were receive two big bald muscle mans in white.
When they take me in room where was half russian and finnish above doctor, she wasn't nice person and I didn't understanded her accent, she spoke awful finnish and more awful english.
Those mans who was taked me in that room, they scrutinized my every clothes and they casts them on the floor. When they were finished that they forced to me collect my things back in my bag. I went on my knees and started to collect my things. I felt I am like mongrel because in that half hour those three tooked away my human value. In their eyes I was only test animal.
That above doctor gave me wrong diagnose.
Two mans taked to me to my room, number 15. On my room's window was iron bars side by side, my room was white, two bed on both side of room and on white closet with lock.
“Why on my room has iron bars?” I asked
Man aswered coldly “That why brats like you don't jump on the fourth floor! Or are you so stupid?” then he get away, they left me alone.
First night begin my hell on Earth. Those nurses gave me drugs and I felt awful, I wanted to spit them out. They forced me to take those drugs or otherwise they give to me shot an injection.
I tooked drugs and I get on my room to sleep.
Moonlight flashed from window and I felt alone, abandoned. I started to cry, I cried and I wanted to die.
Next weeks I every night wanted to die, I called Death to come to take me away.
Nurses used to me and other children mental violence, they used their physical strength, their doctor values to give drugs and menace to us. When we tried to fight back for defense, nurses stamp us always on floor, literally.
That was like some nightmare. My own nurse named Osmo talked with me, he cross-examined me yelling and menaced me.
Those doctors and nurses taught to us to hate them.
There was nurse called Ville, Ville told me and other girl named Hanna “My my... You blonds are so pretty...”. I heard that nurse Ville exploitation Hanna regularly. Hanna was year younger than me, she told me about that nurse. I started to fear that man. Because I haven't no were to run, every phone calls were listened and every letter nurses and doctors opened and readed.
I did mistake and send letter to my childhood friend Katrin, that she try help me out, because I can't stand anymore be in here. I told her in that letter what I have experienced.
When I must get my day drugs I saw my wrote letter in peaces in trashcan. Then I started really fear, I had make worser my situation in their eyes.
I was six weeks in four walls, I didn't get even outside. After that letter thing, nurses started to humiliate me, they ripped off my clothes on me and pushed me in ice cold shower. That action last till last day every single day plus every day they take dope testing two times in day.
I wanted to die literally, every night I get reason to live next morning.
I now know reason was given by Yeshuah, He comforted me.
One day Ville tried came near to Hanna, I runned berween them and hugged Hanna, I said to Ville "Don't even try today.". Ville grinned to me evilish way and touched my rear.
"Don't do that!" I yelled. Ville took his hand away and said to other nurse "Give this brat calming injection. She is acting aggressive.".
Other man gave to me injection, and my legs went numb and I felled down on my knees. "thank you.." Hanna whispered in shock, then she ranned away in her room.
Ville grabed my hair painfully and tugged my hair. Then he forced me tugged me by hair, to look ceiling. Pain make tears came like rain in my eyes.
"Oh... This boygirl can still cry. God's power is not able to came in here." Ville said and yelled "Sami get this brat to sleep in her room! Maybe she saw good dreams of crucifixion.", then Ville laughed and loosed his hand from my hair, then grinned again.
Nurses didn't gave information when I can go home, no any information.
When the day came when I get away from that Hell of Earth, I was promised to myself:
I hate everyone who try “help me” and I never trust anyone.
In that Hell of Earth I taught to hate and I carried inside me great sorrow and pain.. I was ready to even kill for revenge.
*deep and drained sigh* Those nurses were sadistic sick persons and they talked awful things to me and other children.
I founded myself crying in pain like child when I had wrote this text.
That was one part of my past. Next I shall write what after that happened.
I have tell you my painful past, more text are telling how I get to my count on people back and how my hate and sorrow reversal happiness and joy and how I faund Yeshuah.
Now I take break from writing and I will write more later.
GOD Bless you and Keep you in safe!
- Ramona -